Fish Tales
by Doctor Strangelove
Summary: [Into the Woods] All of the dead characters get together to play cards and debate whose death was worst.


"Fish Tales"  
Written by: Doctor Strangelove

Deep, deep in the woods there is a surprisingly well-lit table. Around this table there are seated chairs. And seated in these eight chairs are the Baker's Wife, Cinderella's Mother, Jack's Mother, the Mysterious Man, the Narrator, the Wolf, Rapunzel, and Little Red's Granny. All eight are holding cards and nibbling on snacks whilst sipping various beverages. None look happy.

But their game continues on silently, until Granny finally breaks the silence. "You know what really gets me mad?"

The Narrator groaned. "We're not doing this again, are we?"

Granny glared at him, "Doing what?"

The Narrator just glared right back, "You know _exactly _what I mean. Every single week we sit here enjoying are card game, until someone brings up the fact that, 'Hey, you know what isn't fun? Being dead?' We do the same every week. Can't we just play cards for once?"

Granny said nothing for a moment, and then, "Well, that is how this whole group got started, us all being dead and all."

The Mysterious Man nodded, "She has a point."

Granny smiled, "See, he agrees with me. And besides, I wasn't going to bring up dying."

The Narrator sighed, "Fine, sorry for jumping the gun. What were you going to say?"

"...That it sucks when they don't really clarify your death. I mean, it was really pretty vague. I may not even be dead." 

The Baker's Wife threw down her cards in disgust. "You're dead, Granny! You died from the giant, or something, okay!? I personally don't see how you lived that long. You were eaten by a wolf! Doesn't he have stomach acids or something?"

The Wolf put down his cards and nodded exuberantly, "Yeah! She makes a good point! You should've died long before Act Two!

"And speaking of things that suck, let's talk about getting _cut open_, filled with rocks, and _then _turned into a cloak! How's that for a crappy death?" 

Granny backed up some from the table, and thought for a moment. "Well, you did eat me first. So really..." The Wolf growled threateningly. "Never mind."

Jack's Mother decided to contribute. "While we're on the subject of unfair deaths. I got hit in the head, very unjustly. I was just trying to protect my son. So I didn't ask for it. And on top of that, they just left my corpse standing there! Just like a statue. Very unjust, indeed."

"Well, not entirely unjust." Cinderella's Mother replied, "I mean, you may not have been killed if you hadn't been so _greedy_." Jack's Mother gasped in shock. "And anyway, at least you got to be seen alive. I started off dead! And as a ghost!" She thought for a second. "In a _tree_!

"And then my husband's gone off and married some harlot! I don't know why he ever married her."

The Narrator took a sip of his tea, "She said she was pregnant."

"What?" Cinderella's Mother gaped at that revelation. "Really?" The Narrator nodded.

The Wolf growled again. "Still, you get a lot of showtime. And you didn't get skinned. In fact, there's a lot of dead people showing up after they died. Like in the finale! Everyone that died-" The Narrator cleared his throat rather loudly. "_Almost _everyone who died shows up and has some sort of moral! What's the moral of my story?"

"Don't be a pedophile?" The Baker's Wife offered.

"Hey!" The Wolf shouted, "Don't get me started on you!"

"Me!?" She asked. "What about the Mysterious Man? I mean, really, did he even die.?" She turned to the object of her berating. "Honestly, what's up with you?"

"When I first appear, I seem mysterious, but when expla-"

"If you finish that sentence, I'm gonna eat you." The Wolf warned and the Mysterious Man gulped.

Rapunzel broke the awkward silence that followed with an "Aaaah aaaaah aaaaaah aaaa-"

"Shut up!" Everyone else at the table yelled at her.

The Baker's Wife quickly followed, "And _I _had the worst death. I fall off a cliff! And _then _get hit by a tree! All after I had finally learned my lesson about the woods."

"Slut." Jack's Mother coughed under her breath.

"What was that?" 

Jack's Mother looked about innocently. "Oh, nothing."

The Baker's Wife glared daggers at Jack's Mother. "Now, what's worse than the cliff _and _the tree?"

"Skinned alive." The Wolf offered. 

"Fall down dead!"

"Hit by a steward!"

"Killed by a giant!"

"And then made into a cloak!"

"I'd found my son!"

"They just left my corpse!"

"Inside a tree!"

"Learned my lesson!"

"Slut."

"_What_!?"

"Nothing."

"Aaaah aaah aaah."

"Shut up!"

"Well my was certainly-

"-nobody's was worse-"

"-sure I _ate _her-"

"-right in the head-"

"-a tree!? I mean, really!"

Finally the Narrator stood up and shouted. "I died and I wasn't even _in _this story!"

Everyone looked around at each other for a minute, before the Wolf mumbled. "You win."

The Narrator sat down and straightened his suit. "Now, that we've finished that, can we get back to cards?" Everyone else nodded. "Good." The Narrator laid down his cards. "Gin."

Jack's Mother looked up, "Wait, we're playing gin?"

"I thought it was poker." The Baker's Wife said.

Granny looked around. "I thought rummy."

The Wolf shrugged. "Go Fish."

The Mysterious Man suddenly looked at his hands. "We were playing cards?"

The Narrator sighed, "We should really decided on a game beforehand next time." The others all nodded. 

"How about blackjack?" Cinderella's Mother asked. "Sound good?" She was met with an assortment of muttered agreements. 

After all the cards were dealt Granny said softly. "You know..."


End file.
